Oculus

Three guys public bragging about having voted multiple times in the ongoing Indian general elections. To whom should they be reported?

Looks like the Oscars afterparty’s not going so well for Leo.

Looks like the Oscars afterparty’s not going so well for Leo.

omg HAHAHAHAHAHA

omg HAHAHAHAHAHA

Systems

I watched The Dark Knight Rises last night and was intrigued by its scenes of totalitarian squalor. This is just one Hollywood offering among many which paints a dire picture of systems and processes being compromised by zealous warlords, dictators and in some cases, aliens.

American movies often paint apocalyptic pictures of a city brought to its knees because society’s systems, or people who run those systems, have failed. Grocery stores are barren, traffic lights don’t work, key government officials are missing, kidnapped or deposed. There is no chain of command, no protocol to be followed anymore. Woe is them!

Then I realized that’s the greatest American fear because they have systems, processes, protocols and accountable government officials.

Such scenarios would never make for good cinema in India because no one can relate! We DON’T have any respect for systems, processes or government officials! Heck, in some cases we don’t even have systems or processes or the right government officials!

We have JUGAAD! Traffic light isn’t working? autowaale bhai saheb, pliss give me two centimeters of space so my scooter’s front wheel can perform anal sex with the rear of your vehicle. Two hours later, scooter has managed to make it past the auto. VICTORY!

arcaneimages:

This incredible photo marks the end of Matador Torero Alvaro Munera’s career. He collapsed in remorse mid-fight when he realized he was having to prompt this otherwise gentle beast to fight. He went on to become an avid opponent of bullfights. (The look on this bull’s face says it all for me. Even grievously wounded by picadors, he did not attack this man.)Torrero Munera is quoted as saying of this moment: “And suddenly, I looked at the bull. He had this innocence that all animals have in their eyes, and he looked at me with this pleading. It was like a cry for justice, deep down inside of me. I describe it as being like a prayer - because if one confesses, it is hoped, that one is forgiven. I felt like the worst shit on earth.”
“Cows are amongst the gentlest of breathing creatures; none show more passionate tenderness to their young when deprived of them; and, in short, I am not ashamed to profess a deep love for these quiet creatures.”

arcaneimages:

This incredible photo marks the end of Matador Torero Alvaro Munera’s career. He collapsed in remorse mid-fight when he realized he was having to prompt this otherwise gentle beast to fight. He went on to become an avid opponent of bullfights. (The look on this bull’s face says it all for me. Even grievously wounded by picadors, he did not attack this man.)

Torrero Munera is quoted as saying of this moment: “And suddenly, I looked at the bull. He had this innocence that all animals have in their eyes, and he looked at me with this pleading. It was like a cry for justice, deep down inside of me. I describe it as being like a prayer - because if one confesses, it is hoped, that one is forgiven. I felt like the worst shit on earth.”


“Cows are amongst the gentlest of breathing creatures; none show more passionate tenderness to their young when deprived of them; and, in short, I am not ashamed to profess a deep love for these quiet creatures.”

Impressions

While trading hilarious stories of corporate social media ineptitude with my cabal, we discussed the phenomenon of companies using impressions as a metric of success.

It occurred to me that “impressions” are like the droplets of piss emanating from a dead-drunk tottering around a pub’s urinal at 3am on a Saturday night. There will be many, but none will find their mark.

If you’ve agreed to pay for impressions, just hand over your wallet at the next meeting. It will be faster and you’ll get more return on your investment.

too much

gawrsh, i dont know how to react to misogyny anymore. there’s just SO FUCKING MUCH of it these days! i read an account today of daniel tosh suggesting a female “heckler” get raped by five men and i just couldn’t bring myself to see the joke anymore.

at first i thought - dude, you’re following the wrong people on twitter. but no. i read news stories and another woman got raped, a dead female foetus turned up in hospital garbage or a girl student was made to drink her own urine to prevent bed-wetting.

i dont know where the snake’s tail ends and its head begins.

im not innocent. ive made insensitive jokes about PMS in the past because i thought it was cool. that cloak of denial you can comfortably warm your guilt with. or shout yourself hoarse that you were being edgy. on the other side of that edge is a deep, dark precipice. one from which there’s no coming back.

i just can’t see the humor anymore in making women easy targets. perhaps im getting old, or im being sensible. not sure which. all i know is, im TIRED of searching for nuances and hidden meanings in such humor.

perhaps

1. not doing it anymore

2. not tolerating those who do

would be a good place to start.

no?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

@_gonenative mailed in a reply to the post, I’m reproducing part of it below. It’s why women like her are awesome.

I just wanted to say that while I appreciate what you’re saying, it’s important to elaborate on what you mean by making women easy targets for jokes. I’d hate for folks to think that it’s politically incorrect to make women the subject of humour at all. Or that subjects like PMS can’t be made fun of, in a non misogynistic way. But there’s a thin line and that’s what we’re all confused about.

There’s a part of me that just wants to be ‘normal’ and female: neither the butt of misogynistic jokes, neither hailed as some long-suffering, superheroine gifted with impossible virtues that no one is allowed to cross-question or laugh at. I reject both these stereotypes because women are as diverse as men are - some of us, like I mentioned on FB also, can be enormously shitty people too.

Seizing the day

A couple days ago I got into my car mumbling the commentary to an important presentation I was to deliver that day. I told myself I will “seize the day” or words to that effect. I revved the car and shot off towards office to become the best powerpoint jock and consultant the world has ever seen.

At a traffic light, I idly glanced in the rear-view mirror and saw a woman behind me. She was on the phone, gesticulating furiously. She put the call on speaker, continued talking, took out a compact, lowered the vanity mirror that usually sits behind the visor and started applying makeup. As soon as the light turned green she threw the compact on the seat next to her and started off. We were together at the next light as well. This time she applied lipstick. She continued speaking. There was a baby car seat behind her.

I reached the office parking lot, locked the car and was walking away when I saw another women alight from her car, remove the flats she was wearing and put on a pair of high-heeled shoes. She too, was speaking on the phone.

I had that embarrassing feeling in the pit of my stomach that men have it really easy. Most of my male colleagues get up, go from cro-magnon to homosapien in 10 minutes with a shave and bath, slap on undies to keep their junk intact and saunter to office. And fuck you if you think you do more than that.

That’s when I realized: men seize, the women give. They give up personal lives, family time, self-respect so they can compete with men existing worthlessly under a societal carte blanche that allows them to treat women like shit, pressure them about their physical appearance and then claim they’re merely treating them as equals.

The day’s not mine to seize. It’s ours to give.

A conversation with a blind Chinese dissident

(At a US consulate in Beijing)

"I seek asylum"

"Mmm hmm"

"Well?"

"Let me describe this legal notepad to you. Perhaps that might help explain my thoughts."

"Go on"

"I’m writing your statement on this crisp, new legal notepad. It has the US State Department Seal on top and also embossed at the bottom of each page. It has the letters ‘USA’ liberally watermarked across each page. Are you getting this?"

"Yes"

"If you turn the pad around, at the very bottom it says in small letters ‘Made in China’"

*uncomfortable silence*

"Are you getting it?"

"Which way to the door?"

"Marianne will show you out"

A sincere note of thanks on April Fool’s

A sincere note of thanks for all the amazing parodies and leg-pulling and downright gobsmacking satire today. Because, you know, it’s a REFRESHING change from India TV or Aaj Tak. Because I just TOTALLY believe that extra-terrestrial little green men (no, not Amar Singh) named the Bachchan baby! Because I just TOTALLY bought into and sincerely used Google’s last seventy products which, for some incredible reason don’t exist anymore today and their “OOOOOH GOTCHA THIS APRIL 1 PRODUCT DOESN’T REALLY EXIST!” idea TOTALLY didn’t come from a folder titled “FUTURE PRODUCT IDEAS”! Because I REALLY did believe wearing hoodies could get you killed! Because I REALLY believe that when TV channels start a sentence with “BREAKING” they will append “NEWS” and not “WIND”!

Thanks for this expense of creative energy which TOTALLY DID NOT GO TO WASTE, WAS IRONIC AND MADE A POINT!

A hit, sir! A palpable hit!